24 October 2014
Today I felt sad. Very sad. Because knowing the women I love is in love but the person is not me.
Although I sort of sense it. But I didn't know who is the guy. She's so secretive, people ard me too, like that always avoid to continue the topic when I'm ard. I know I'll feel sad/jealous, by I still wanna know.
Her response of how she feel of her current bf make me feel sad. Yes, she is deeply in love with the guy, who is younger than her, younger than me. But he made her feel secured and true love. He's talented, earns more and whatever I'm not. I'm everything lesser.
I wonder why did our path crossed in the first place 4years back, yet now we became a parallel line which will never meet again. I hate that heartaching feeling, I hate that my world is spinning down. I just hate it when I try not to think about it, everything it just came back out of nowhere. I hate feeling jealousy, yet I can't do anything bout it. I hate it when I miss her I can't tell her. And I hate it when she is actually standing right next to me, but it felt that she is very far away.
Part of me hope this is not true, part of me is happy for her. At least my prayers for her happiness is answered. I don't really wished it to be that way, but I guess our karmic bond ended the moment we ended our r/s. I wanna let go. But it just keep coming back to haunt me. I don't like to go back to the past. I don't want to be clingy on the past again. I need to let it out, want to tell her I love her even though she's happy with her life right now..
How do I be a bigger person. How do I not feel so sad. I chanted. I prayed for myself to breakthrough. Fundamental weakness of my life is really cant let go, can't move on. Where to find that courage. I need time to be alone. I need my mind to be sort out.
I really don't wish to break down and cry damn hard once more.
想回到过去，可是时间不会停留。
最遥远的距离是你站在我身旁 却连一句问候也没有
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